The Power of Playfulness
Image copyright: John Hoelle. Love and relationships were a consistent theme in the cartoons I drew for my high school and college newspapers.
In honor of the playful non-holiday of the first of April (actually it is a holiday at my house, the members of my family take fooling each other VERY seriously on this day each year), here are two ways you can add more playfulness to your relationships. And it’s not just for fun – incorporating playfulness can seriously increase well-being and harmony at your house. Try it out.
Game #1 - Interpretive Nagging
Early on in our now almost 20-year-old relationship, Katie suggested a rule that complaints about each other’s habits or conduct (especially the annoying roommate kind of stuff) could not be uttered in words. Instead: If you are going to nag about something, you have to do it in an “interpretive dance.”
I quickly agreed, and we never looked back.
Example: Instead of telling me that she is irritated seeing beard hairs in the sink after I shave, she must invite me to watch her dance/pantomime showing how she interprets my thoughtless behavior, gleefully trimming my whiskers and then prancing out of the bathroom without wiping anything up.
The result? Much more merriment and less ominousness about the simple stuff. It’s a disarming way to communicate about something without causing the other person to get defensive out of shame or righteousness.
And, in fact, the wife who enjoys a laugh watching her hubs do a funny little dance about how much toilet paper she uses, is probably going to remember it and think twice the next time she would have otherwise mindlessly swiped 20 squares of TP after peeing.
Bonus: We’ve even introduced our kids to this practice.
Game #2 - Playful Calling Out
Katie modeled something many years ago that I quickly realized was a special and powerful relational technique. When I get needlessly worked up or emotionally triggered about something, she calls it out in a gently playful way.
Example: We both know that I am an Enneagram personality Type Nine, with a Type One “wing.” This means that I exhibit some tendencies of Type One personality (i.e., I have a tendency to think there’s a right way and a wrong way, and I will tell you all about it). When I start getting all bothered because someone is using the wrong sponge or cooking/driving/behaving the “wrong” way, Katie will smile and say “Honey, you’re one-wing is showing,” as if I’ve left my fly open. This makes me laugh and suddenly I’m not even remotely bothered any more.
This harnesses the power of what PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) therapists refer to as co-regulation: each partner helping to calm the other partner’s nervous system.
For me, and I think for most of us, being gently reminded that things aren’t so serious helps to calm the nervous system and restore balance.
I am exceptionally lucky to have a partner who is a professional improv comedian. She makes me laugh like no one else in the world. And as you can now see, one of the biggest gifts that comes with her well-developed sense of humor is a playfulness that she brings to even the most mundane moments and challenging parts of life. But you don’t need to be a professional comedian to be playful. By consciously adopting a playful attitude, you can use the magic of humor to bring more well-being to almost any situation.
So how do you playfully call out your partner? Well, you probably know what triggers them, and you can probably see when they’ve gotten triggered. Now you just need to experiment with what words, phrases, or other interjections (physical comedy, auditory/singing, visual imagery, etc) gently nudge them to laugh at whatever was getting them worked up. Ask them to help you figure out what works and how. What’s fun about these experiments is… that they are fun!
Wishing you luck introducing more playfulness, and thereby increasing joy, well-being, and ease, into your relationships.
John Hoelle is a Co-Founder of Conscious Family™ Law & Mediation
